Joshua and the Mothman
Trip to the Mothman Museum in West Virginia.
So, who am I and why am I here? To any outsider, I'm just another face in a crowd, anothsd NPC going through life. That's the beauty of invisible disabilities. I can pass as "normal," though I'm anything but. My name's Joshua Stafford, but to many, I'm Josh, Blue, or "Bruno," my previous surname that has become a beloved nickname. At this time , it's July of 2026, I'm 36 years old, and have lived quite a life up until this point. I'm not sure where to begin, so I guess I'll start with what I know and go from there.
Since I was a kid, I always felt different, though I could never really point to how. My peers were always a step ahead of me, and, when it was time for play, I was often was last picked. It wasn't until later in life that I would realize that during all the "fun and games" I was the object of ridicule and mockery, though I was too naive to recognize it at the time. It made me feel out of place. More times than not I had friends tell me that we weren't friends anymore. A lot of the peers in my classes made fun of me, or outright bullied me for reasons I didn't understand. I would come home crying from being called names, or sometimes injured or in different clothes from physical actions that took place. When I cried at home, I would sometimes be comforted, and sometimes be told that I was being a "baby" and that overly sensitive people aren't well liked; so I learned to mask early, and I learned to mask hard. I became sarcastic, sardonic, and detached from myself as a way to survive.
In middle school, I met some new friends after the great exodus of individuals in my life previously, and found that they were kind to me even when my mask slipped and I was a little quirky or weird. It was also this time I understood that I was gay, and that was bad per the morals and values I was instilled with from childhood. That became another layer of masking I needed to perform to fit in with my peers, and so I became a ladies man and dated every girl I could. In high school, I was more open about who I was with some of my friends, and with others, I continued masking. Some of the bullying and mistreatment, from peers and educators combined, began again and I struggled with a lot of mental things that I couldn't put words to at that time. My pediatrician declared I was depressed and pumped me full of antidepressants to ill effect.
Joshua and Nicholas
A photo captured of Joshua and Nicholas on their wedding day in sunny Southern New Jersey in June of 2019.
After I graduated, another round of exits took place, though this one was more natural due to the end of a life stage and beginning of a new one. I began dating in earnest when I started college and met an individual that I ended up becoming entangled in a civil union to. After some difficulty, I obtained my BA in English in October of 2013. In 2017 I obtained my MA in anthropology, and a job opportunity to join the Peacecorps and move to Georgia where I would work as an educator in a remote village across the world. I was ecstatic. It was an opportunity for me to get out of a marriage I was not happy in but morals and values told me I needed to stay in, and it was an opportunity to explore another culture first hand, and learn about the world through my own experiences. Unfortunately, world politics being what they were, Russia was encroaching on Georgia, and I was not able to go due to being homosexual. I became severely depressed and ended up in a crisis unit. This led to my finding a job with the state side version of the Peacecorps (Americorps) and gave me the courage to finally step away from my marriage and gave me the opportunity to meet my now spouse Nick.
Nick encouraged me to be better than I thought I was, and to do things I didn't have experiences in because "I had the capability." I took on his challenge, and found a job in the substance use prevention field. I did not succeed, but that is OK as it led me to Maryville, an addiction treatment center in New Jersey (and one of the oldest, at that). I was offered a position as a counselor intern where I was able to work individually with individuals with substance use disorders to help them find peace, serenity, and sobriety where they wanted. I began a second masters program during this time, and obtained a MS in addiction counseling in 2022. I received my LCADC a year later following testing and delays due to covid-19. Following licensure, I worked at around 8 different facilities between 2022 and 2025, with most ending in resignation, and some ending in termination due to differing reasons.
Joshua and Nicholas at Asbury Park Pride
A photo of Joshua and Nicholas at the Asbury Park 2019 Pride Festival..
In all of that time, my mental and physical health continued getting worse, with my ability to mask becoming minimal, my anxiety skyrocketing, and my body slowly deteriorating due to muscle, nerve, and chronic pain issues. With many jobs, I struggled with the ethical boundaries I was tasked with potentially violating, choosing to read the boundaries, ethics, and laws of my field as black and white, and not nebulous, leading to conflicts with management. In some instances, I requested accommodations to meet my needs and was criticized, insulted, or outright fired. My husband and I decided that applying for disability for myself would be the route to go. My physical form was becoming more damaged by the day struggling to do what society expected, and my mental health continued (and continues) to deteriorate as I tried to bend my mind's understandings to the will of individuals who chose not to understand me. We found a disability attorney that took on our case, and in that time, I have struggled with periods of immobility due to severe muscle spasms and nerve pain in my right arm, shoulder, and neck. In December, this became a constant everyday source of pain until about two months ago.
In May of this year, I was diagnosed with a disc extrusion of my C6-C7 vertebrae with severe spinal and foramina stenosis. This has led to chronic pain, muscle issues, nerve issues, and numerous other problems. I started seeing a new primary care (a concierge doctor) who listened, heard, and examined to see what my deal was, and diagnosed me with hyper-mobility syndrome, chronic pain, and a sensory processing disorder outside of Autism due to how I process and interpret/interact with pain. She started me on low-dose naltrexone. I will talk more about this in another post as it is fascinating to me, but this has made a huge difference in the daily pain I experience, though it is not gone completely, and flair ups are still debilitating.
Autism Pride tattoo
A photo of Joshua's autism pride tattoo designed and applied by Joshua himself.
This is a lot of information. I'm not sure what you can do with it. For me, I am using this space to write about my experiences with finding myself again through this disability process. I lost a big part of who I was stepping out of the career field. I am a helper by nature, I want to connect with others and fix things. Autism makes my connecting with others difficult because I always seem to be a step to the left or behind and never in line with everyone else. In the therapeutic setting, there was a format that is established that I could thrive in, but the corporate format that my license enabled me to work failed me. The system I supported and upheld failed me, and I am now at a point where my work history, experiences, and education limit my ability to succeed in much else. I've tried to pivot, but the treatment I receive has not been kind as I present as capable and "normal," until I spiral. I've been using art as a way to connect with others, and as a way to connect with myself again. I have confidence issues due to my past experiences, and I want to use this space to share about me, share who I am, what I like, what I am, and what I can do, even if you don't think it's good. It is me, and that should be enough.
